There's someone in my head and it's not me

Thursday evening - 16/12/04

Unbiased Al-Freebie Information Minister, Muhammed Saeed al-Shergar:
Greetings, comrades and Western jackals! Bob here! It's been a while, I know, but I've been helping your government with one or two matters in recent times, and they don't let me have my crayons. Things are pretty hectic here and I seem to spend most of my waking hours strapped to a chair with electrodes clipped to my most personal parts. It's not so bad once you get used to it, in fact it's actually kind of pleasant. A bit tingly, you know, like when you think about your Triang collection while sitting on a bus going down a cobbled street. But I digress. Anyway, like I say, they don't normally let us write, but we are allowed one letter out per year, so here goes. If the elves at the North Pole are as good as their word then you might be reading this before your Western Christmas.

Comrades! I am disheartened! What has happened while I've been away? One of our bravest comrades gave his life to substitute the Railway Modeller sketches for the real Class 37 drawings and it was one of our greatest victories! Subversive magazines who actually allow D&E enthusiasts on their staff were sent letters from Mr Timmins, the solicitor from above the newsagents. This was followed up by Agent Armand, our deepest of deep cover operatives, spreading rumours that anyone less than ecstatic about the model hadn't actually seen it when writing their reviews. Now the model has been retooled and I only find out about it because the old one is being given away inside my breakfast cereal!

Comrades! What happened to Phase III of the plan? All evidence of curved cantrails should have been removed from prototypes under the cover of darkness. Locos were to be jacked up to leave a large gap above the bogies. Photographs were supposed to have been destroyed. What went wrong? Granted, you've done well with Operation Bucket and Project Whizzo, but this is a time for sustained effort. You can't just stop! Only Agent Delta seems to still be actively spreading misinformation.

The enemy jackals are increasingly well organised. They use the internet to communicate and I've heard rumours that they even have a couple of their own magazines now. Our methods need to be correspondingly sophisticated, the old ones don't work now we haven't complete control of all channels. As indeed some of our less experienced recruits have found out in the last 24 hours on one of the magazine forums. Be mindful of the following pitfalls:

• The old trick of describing something as '.00001 of an inch' out, when in reality our glorious foot-soldiers have sh*gg*d it royally, has had it's day. When the enemy have two non-retained magazine reviews and a pile of photos in front of them, plus knows the prototype inside out, I'm afraid they're going to look at you as if you've just stepped off a spaceship and said 'bleep'.
• Don't try and tell them they can't use photos, although I like the way you're thinking - they're pesky varmints and should be outlawed. Most people know that Auntie Margaret looks like Auntie Margaret in a photograph, and expect Uncle Tractor to do so, too. You'll just make yourself look certifiably insane if you pursue this tactic. Especially when, out of the photo, the prototype and your latest project, the model is clearly the odd one out.
• Under no circumstances use the 'drivers underpants' gambit, or any variation on that theme. That worked well in the 60s, but that was then and this is now. The enemy hasn't been on our 'Misinformation Module 3' course and doesn't have a clue what you're prattling on about. Unable to see a connection between 50 feet of disfigured roofline and a pair of discoloured boxers, they'll just assume you're a pervert.
• Slagging the enemy off and then crying foul when they retaliate is still a sound tactic, but be careful. If the opposition have cleverly quoted all of your own words back at you, you'll look pretty silly if you play the 'bad language' or 'intolerant' cards. Remember - a good soldier engages brain before mouth.
• An absolute no-no is the 'If you're not satisfied with what's being produced then, instead of moaning about it, get off your backside and correct these deficiencies' tactic - this has never been officially approved. The problem is that most people live in the real, commercial world; they've not spent half of their life living in a cave on Xargon's third moon. It's a bit like McDonalds saying "Would you like fries with that? Well cook them your f*ck*ng self, then." Comrades caught using this tactic will be shot (first offense) on the grounds of being too stupid even for our beloved movement.
• Don't use the 'running on underscale track' defense anymore. P4 has been around for decades and many experienced modellers will have tried it as a matter of course. They know the little fairies don't appear and change the body shape every time you fit a different set of wheels. Only the mentally ill would think otherwise.
• Don't try and deny a fact by claiming it's an opinion or a point of view. The chances are the enemy knows the difference even if you're still struggling with the semantics. If in doubt, ask a grown-up.
• Beware the term 'rivet counter' - another popular 60s phrase that tends to backfire these days after decades of abuse in the hands of the unskilled. But don't mourn it's loss. The number of our less intelligent bretheren using the term (relating to those obsessed with small details) to defend some of our most massive errors with whole locos was, frankly, proving to be an embarassment. And those bullets really are getting quite expensive.
• Don't start criticising the enemy's spelling. This pretty much says you've lost but haven't got the Albert Halls to admit it.

Comrades should also be careful of using certain key slogans that have outlived their usefulness. A document captured from an enemy demonstration stand at an exhibition by our crack team of Winja-Ninjas revealed certain security breaches. The following phrases are known to have been compromised and should be retired - their use tends to announce the speaker as a clueless airhead, unfortunately:

• We've never had it so good
• Well done (manufacturer X)
• We should be grateful to (manufacturer X)
• Crawled all over
• The whingers should get a life

Finally comrades, it is becoming increasingly obvious that we're fighting on a different battlefield these days. The old tactics just aren't as effective. We need a new strategy, if we're to continue to toady to the manufacturers well enough that I, ermmmmm...I mean we, can enjoy a steady stream of review samples for my collection. I mean review. For me to review, that's it. That's what I meant. I shall give it some thought, and if anyone has any revolutionary ideas then please let me know. Leave a note by the sherry and mince pies and it'll get back to me.